My Sadness

Well, this blog is taking a much different direction than I expected. I thought I'd be documenting my pregnancy for my third and last child.
I’ve always wanted at least three children. Sometimes I’d think four would be nice, but I settled on four. My poor husband wasn’t always so sure about any. I’ll never forget the look on his face when I told him we were having our first, a mixture of shock, happiness, and fear. But the look on his face when he held our son for the first time, that was a beautiful moment. I could see how in love with him he already was.
It took a while to convince him that we couldn’t have an only child. So when he reluctantly agreed I figured we had better start right away before he changed his mind. That is why our two wonderful children are only sixteen months apart.
Having a third and final baby took a bit more discussion to decide. I knew we were waiting until our daughter was at least a year old. We were supposed to decide on a third by the time she turned one, but it took a couple extra months to really know we wanted to try for one final one. Donn wasn’t sure about a third. How would we rearrange the car seats in the van? Would we put the two older ones in the back and a new baby in the middle row? We’d have to climb into the back to get Noah and Shelby out. They aren’t old enough to get themselves in and out. When we went anywhere how would we carry the kids if there were three of them and only two of us? Everywhere you go price rates are based on two adults and two kids, not two adults and three kids.
And then we’d have to buy more baby stuff. I told him if we timed it right we have almost everything we’d need. I had kept all our baby stuff to use again. Everything Noah used Shelby had used. We never found out the sex of either of our kids so we had a large selection of neutral clothes. I figured if we timed it for the right season then we’d have plenty of clothes no matter what the sex of the third baby would be. I still had left over diapers that Shelby had grown out of before we used them all.
I made a list of what we would need so he could see that it wouldn’t involve a big shopping spree. We need new bottles because I liked a certain kind and they now made them BPA free. But I breastfeed the first two for the first six months then they began a Sippy cup and was on the Sippy by nine months so we wouldn’t need a whole lot of bottles right away. We needed an infant car seat, but a close friend offered me the use of hers since her youngest had grown out of it. We talked and decided when a bigger car seat would be needed then we’d just get Noah a new one and pass his down. Diapers we’d need of course. Another crib and mattress, but that wouldn’t be needed right away either because we had the bassinet to use for the first few months. But that was all we’d really need. And one other thing, a coming home outfit would be needed.
So hesitantly we did decide we’d try a few months for our last child. We had agreed this would be our last. We’d be a family of five. We didn’t think we’d have any problems conceiving. It took three months to conceive Noah and two to conceive Shelby. So in February we’d go for it.
I rejoined the Ovusoft message boards to talk to others about trying to conceive. I used my software program to start charting my monthly cycles again. Every morning I’d check my temperature to try to spot ovulation so we could time things just right. I checked my cervical mucus to see if I’d entered my fertile time.
Donn was so sure we’d captured the egg that month. I kept charting to look for any signs of a pregnancy. I convinced Donn to let me buy a pregnancy test just in case. He didn’t see why I’d even want to take a test. “If it doesn’t start then you’re pregnant,” he said but he did let me get one without complaint. I made sure to get one of the most sensitive ones so I could check early. I wasn’t as convinced as Donn was about our success. We had never conceived on the first month trying. I was so anxious. I waited it out though without taking the test. We weren’t successful that month despite the good timing we had.
Onto the next month we went. I kept on with charting and waiting. Analyzing my temperatures every day to see what they were doing. I saw ovulation coming and we stepped up our love making sessions only to see ovulation be delayed. So more love making trying to make sure we didn’t miss it. We got to the point that we just figured it was going to have to be good enough then I ovulated two days after our last session. So one more time we made love to try and catch that elusive egg.
That month I wasn’t so good at holding out testing. I tested four times that month. I don’t know what drove me to test so early. I had never gotten a positive before eleven days past ovulation before. The first two tests were negative. Then on the eleventh day after ovulation I got a faint second line. I was so excited. I began on how to tell Donn our good news.
When he got home I convinced him to go out to eat and to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things. While at Wal-Mart I tried to give him some clues. I put ginger ale, crackers and pickles in our shopping cart thinking that maybe he’d say something like “are you pregnant or something?” To which I would answer, “YES!” But he never noticed. We headed back to the baby section to pick up diapers for the kids. There on the end of an aisle was a display of infant diapers on sale. I said to Donn, “maybe we should pick them up for the next one while they’re one sale.” His response was, “you think we’ll need them?” I answered back, “I know we’ll need them.” He got this strange look on his face and just started smiling. And of course we bought the diapers. Why wouldn’t we? They were on sale after all!
We were so happy, but also started to wonder if we’d done the right thing. We kept thinking of how much more difficult it was going to be with a third child, but we were happy about it. We talked about what this baby would be like. I made a new list of what we needed to buy. We continued to pick up diapers on sale going off of how many of each size we had used with the first two. The children’s resale shop in our town was closing and was having a sale so I went and bought some maternity clothes and some sleepers. Our baby would be coming around Thanksgiving time. Since the clothes were on clearance, I bought a couple of things for both genders. I went shopping with my friend and found a really cute fuzzy blanket that I just had to get. And I found a sale on breastfeeding cover-ups so I got a couple of them.
Since the line had been so light on the first test I decided to tack another one because I wanted to see a darker line. About a week later I took another, but that line was also light. I figured maybe there just wasn’t that much dye in the test. I made an appointment to get the blood test done. I was even more excited when that came back positive.
We never told anyone about our first two pregnancies until the twelve week mark when the chance of miscarriage lowers. We weren’t planning on telling anyone about this one until the twelve weeks were up with this one. However, we were so excited we just couldn’t wait. This was our last one and nothing had gone wrong with the first two. Why would we even think things wouldn’t turn out with this one?
We had varied responses about having a third. People congratulated us, but then they’d ask why we wanted another one in this economy. I got tired of all the negative comments. I knew they really didn’t mean to sound so against our having our last baby, but that is exactly what it sounded like.
Things were going a long so smoothly. I set up appointments and signed up on the baby websites. I started a blog. I put a baby calendar on my computer screen that showed the development each week. I talked with others that were due around the same time as me. We discussed trading clothes if we had the opposite sexes. I paid attention to everything because I’d never go through this again as this was to be our last baby. I waited for the morning sickness to kick in because I had it with the first two.
I never got sick. That was really the first clue something wasn’t right. Everyone said maybe I was just going to be lucky with the last one. They told me npot to worry about it. So I tried not to, but it was still in the back of my mind. I kept thinking to myself that we really should have waited to tell people. I even told Donn that I was afraid we had jinxed ourselves. I guess some part of me knew something wasn’t right.
I should have been around eight weeks along when my lower back started hurting so bad I had trouble walking and I started spotting light pink when I wiped. I waited a day since I had one day of brown spotting with Shelby and all as well. And two of my friends had spotting in their pregnancies and all was well with them. One even had bleeding almost her whole pregnancy.
The next morning I was still spotting so I called my doctor. I hadn’t yet had my first appointment. That wasn’t until the following week, but I didn’t want to wait that long. I was told to come in. Donn stayed home from work to stay with the kids while I went in. As I waited in the waiting room I had a bad feeling. That was when I realized that I’d really had it for a while.
I was taken back to the exam room with the ultrasound machine, not the big one but the little one. I was checked by my doctor and he did confirm I was bleed from the cervix. He then did a transvaginal ultrasound. And we saw the baby. I had prepared myself on the drive over that the baby was gone so I wasn’t prepared to see the tiniest of heartbeats fluttering on the screen. I big indication that all was not well was how the baby looked, not like an eight week baby but a five week baby. The doctor suggested that maybe I was off on my dates. I knew I wasn’t and said so. He didn’t argue with me. I think he didn’t want to give me false hope, but he also didn’t want to be too negative about what the outcome might be. I said, “Since I know my dates this is a bad sign that it’s measuring three weeks behind, isn’t it?” He answered, “Well it’s a threatened miscarriage, but it could just be having a hard time getting started.” He told me what to watch for, more bleeding or hemorrhaging or any cramping. He said to go to the ER. He also wanted me to make sure I made it to my dating ultrasound on the following Tuesday and I also was scheduled for what should have been my first appointment for this pregnancy.
I went home knowing in my heart that our last little baby wasn’t going to make it. I told Donn what the doctor said when I got home, but I didn’t show him how upset I really was. I think he might have known anyway. He comforted me and said not to worry. That was on Wednesday, I finished the week with spotting and a dreadful hurting in my heart. I did research online and talked to others. I was lead to the misdiagnosed miscarriage website. I tried to gain hope from that site that maybe things would be alright after all, but I knew in my heart that my baby was dying.
Saturday the spotting turned to bleeding with some cramps. We dropped the kids off at Donn’s sister’s house and we went to the ER closest to us instead of the one in the hospital that my doctor worked at. On the drive in four out of five songs on the radio was about babies or people having babies. I couldn’t believe the irony of it. We sat I in the waiting room trying to rationalize what we knew was happening. We said all the things to ourselves that we didn’t want to hear. Something’s wrong with the baby so it’s best we lose it now. We can always try again. We have two perfectly healthy kids that we should be thankful for. There were more things that I can’t remember now. None of the things we told ourselves really helped much. It wasn’t until that moment that we knew exactly how much we already loved and wanted this baby already.
The doctor that examined me was very frank with us. We appreciated that. He told us it didn’t look good that I was probably going to have a miscarriage. I was sent for an ultrasound. Donn came in with me. We saw our baby on the screen, a five week three day baby with no heartbeat. We were expecting that so we took it well. I kept wondering what the nurses and doctors thought of us joking and smiling while we were losing our precious baby. We had been preparing for it so we were able to keep it together but I knew we were both hurting more than either of us would say.
The ER doctor came in and talked to us. He thought that I should have a D&C that day since things weren’t happening too quickly. I was given the option to have it done there with the doctor they had on call or I could go to my doctor. I chose my doctor because I trust him. The ER doctor called my doctor, who happened to be on call that weekend. My doctor said that he didn’t necessarily think that I had to have a D&C. He wanted to see if my body would do what it needed to do on its own without intervention. I was grateful for that. The ER doctor told us what to watch for and what I’d need to come back in for. He said since my doctor was on call to just go over to that hospital if we needed to. We left with heavy hearts.
Donn was wonderful. He made all the phone calls to let everyone know. I was glad that I didn’t have to deal with doing that.
The dreaded day came the very next day, Sunday. I awoke to the worst cramping I’d ever had. The pain never stopped. It was a constant cramp. I started bleeding more and passing tissue that day. Donn had plans to go to his sister’s house to start building her porch, but he stayed home to take care of me. The pain continued to get worse. My wonderful husband called to find my doctor to see what I could take for the pain. He waited for the return call. My doctor gave us two options. I could take Motrin up to a certain amount or he could call me in a prescription if I wanted. I opted for just the Motrin to start with. My wonderful doctor left us his cell phone number and said to call if we needed anything.
The Motrin helped tremendously for my physical pain, but not so much for the emotional pain. Every time I went into the bathroom I could feel the tissue passing and I’d look in the bowl. I wanted to try to make sure it looked like all was passing. That hurt the most. Seeing the tissue in the toilet and knowing I was flushing my baby down like some dead pet fish. I made it through the day without crying very much. I thought I was doing well. I figured I had time to prepare for this since the week before. Now I think that I was just in too much pain at first to think about it much and then I just kind of had it blocked from reaching me too emotionally.
I remember looking in once and seeing the biggest clot I had passed and thinking that was the placenta and the baby. Being so early on I couldn’t really tell but I felt it in my heart.
While I was still in too much pain to really think much, I packed up all my maternity clothes and had Donn throw all of it into the attic. I was so tempted just to put it in with all the stuff for my yard sale.
Monday Donn was going to take the day off but I told him to go on in to work. He was worried leaving me alone. I told him that I’d be fine. I just really wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to be around anyone, including him. I held my children close to me most of the day. They were my comfort. They gave me smiles.
I did a little house work and even managed to plan dinner. Donn came home and suggested we take the kids to play at the playground. Watching them having so much fun on the slides helped me to forget my grief for a short while. We went home and I cooked our dinner. I was feeling alright. We began to eat and Donn told me what he had been told at work and my world came crashing down.
I have a friend who I haven’t had a chance to talk to in a while. I had been thinking about her lately and wanted to get in touch with her before all this happened. She’s been married for almost ten years now. Her and her husband never wanted any children. They were happy with their decision. I don’t know what changed, but she’s pregnant now. She’s due a month after we would have been. It was devastating to hear. Donn apologized for telling me. He thinks he should have waited a while. I’m glad he told me. It gives me time to work through my emotions before she tells me so I can truly be happy for her. Donn even went so far as to ask her mother-in-law to ask her not to tell me for a while so that I wouldn’t be hurt so bad. I do have a truly amazing husband.
I still haven’t spoken with her yet. I wonder every day if this is the day she will finally call. I wish she would soon. The waiting sucks. Not as bad as the waiting to miscarry sucked.
Tuesday I had to go in for my dating ultrasound which was now just to check to make sure everything had passed. Luckily it was an abdominal ultrasound rather than the transvaginal, one bright side to the whole ordeal. I had to explain to the ultrasound tech about what happened over the weekend. After the ultrasound she had to get the doctor to come talk to me. He started in on how they should be seeing more than they were. I interrupted him to telling what happened over the weekend. It was just what I did not want to do, to have to talk about the miscarriage over and over again. He said it looked as if all had passed but the lining of my uterus was still thickened so I may bleed a while yet. Hooray! What fun! He also went into the whole standard, one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, better luck next time. Blah!
I discovered on Tuesday that I have become very sarcastic. I don’t like the new me, but I just can’t seem to stop myself. I’m hoping that is just how I’m dealing with things right now.
We had to kill some time before my appointment with my doctor. Donn took me shopping without a complaint and then he drove around looking at junk yards for tractor parts. We didn’t really talk a whole lot. There really wasn’t much to say.
At my doctors office we were taken into an exam room instead of his office to talk. I wonder if it was because he has pictures of his kids in his office and was trying to spare our feelings. He asked how we were doing. At the time we were fine. Sad, yes, but carrying on. He looked over my records from the ultrasound. He said he didn’t foresee us having any problems if we wanted to try again later. Our chances of this happening again aren’t raised. What hit me the hardest was that he wants us to wait until August to try again. I was hoping to only have to wait one ovulatory cycle. Not that another baby would erase the one we lost. I just feel such a need to be pregnant again. He wants to see me back again in November. He asked if we still had his cell phone number. He said to call if we needed anything. We asked about his new baby. Then we made my next appointment and left.
We ended up staying at my sister-in-law’s house until late that night. I wasn’t really up for it, but I let Donn work on the porch. I figured he just needed to keep busy. I just couldn’t stand sitting around and thinking about everything. I went for a long walk.
Later his sister wanted to talk to me about it. I didn’t really want to talk, but I needed to keep up the charade that I was doing fine. She had six miscarriages so she should understand, but she doesn’t seem to. I didn’t want to relive all the details. And what was worse was when she told me how she explained the miscarriage to her daughter. I understand that her daughter is only fourteen and doesn’t need to hear all the details, but don’t tell me that you told her it is just like passing a large blood clot because it’s not. It’s not in the least bit like passing a blood clot! It’s painful both physically and emotionally. So explain it how you must but don’t tell me what you said.
Later Donn’s other sister tracked me down there and just had to talk to me. She wanted all the details as well. I just want to stop talking about it. There are only two people who I really don’t mind talking about the details with and they are Donn and my friend, Kelly.
I had a break down Tuesday night and just cried and cried. I had been thinking all day about the possibility of trying again in a few months. I just can’t see how it can fit into our schedule then. All my maternity clothes are summer clothes. The baby clothes I have are for the in-between warm and cool seasons. I won’t have the time off work then like I would have had now. We’ll have to pay our $500 deductable twice.
We received a card yesterday from someone Donn works with. I thought that was so nice. I spent the day making a scrapbook page to frame to honor the baby. I had found a really nice poem online. I then updated my MySpace page. I even figured out how to add a playlist of depressing songs.
Today, Thursday, I started working again. It’s not hard work. I just babysit in my home. I don’t mind taking the kids back to watch. What I don’t want is to talk to the parents.
I’m so saddened with the thought that we’ll never have our third. And really if I’m honest with myself I’m not sure I want a third. True having a miscarriage doesn’t raise our chance of having another one, but the statistic is still one in four. Having a miscarriage doesn’t give us a pass to skip being part of the four again. I don’t see how I could have a happy pregnancy again. I know now that being pregnant doesn’t mean I’ll be bringing a baby home. I just want to shout that out to all pregnant women I see.
I don’t want people treating me different anymore. I don’t want the sympathetic tone in their voice. I don’t want to answer any more questions. I don’t want someone with a round pregnant belly telling me they’re sorry to hear the sad news because I know exactly what they’re thinking. They’re thinking that they’re glad it’s me and not them. I know they don’t mean to and I really don’t blame them.
When I’m busy I’m okay. It’s when I’m alone; when the kids are napping that I get sad. I don’t sleep well at night. At least the dreams of having a baby have stopped. Actually I don’t sleep enough to really dream all that much anyway. I keep waiting for things to get easier, but it just seems to get harder. I decided to write this all down today to try to help myself work through all these feelings. I really am happy for all those I know who are pregnant. I do wish them all the best. However, I am still very jealous of them. I wanted this baby so badly.
When will this empty feeling go away? I just want to sleep my time away. The only bright things in my life right now are my two little ones. I keep going for them, but when they sleep I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve tried to start counting down to when we can start trying again, but that just doesn’t seem right. I just don’t know if I really want to. How would I be happy during the pregnancy? How would I not worry the whole time?
I need to find something to occupy my free time. I need to stop my mind from thinking all the time about all that has happened. I check my email every day. I’ve begun unsubscribing to websites. I’m dreading when the mailings start to come from the places I signed up for. I avoid the television because it seems like every show I turn on has someone pregnant or having a baby. I guess you don’t really notice until you want to avoid it.