What People say hurts

Tuesday was a very bad day for me. First I received those tiny little newborn diapers in the mail. Then I had a neighbor congratulated me. I hadn’t known my husband had even told her we had been expecting. Luckily, Donn was there and gently steered her away from that topic until I was out of earshot. I then went to my sister-in-law’s house. All was fine there for a while. Nert is potty training and likes to follow everyone to the bathroom. He kept following my sister-in-law in and at one point she yelled out, “You need to have one (baby) every two years until I’m dead so I can always have one in here with me.” I know she was joking but I just wanted to say, “Well we tried but it didn’t work out.” What I did say was, “you’ll have to find someone else to have them because I think we’re done.” At that point my mother-in-law chimed in with, “oh no, you can’t stop now. You need to have more……” I tuned out the last of what she said.
Everyone expects me to be over it already I guess. Everyone goes on about their day, but I still feel the loss. They just think that we can have another to replace the one we lost. I pretend to be doing just great and moving on with most people. I know they don’t want to be bothered by my sadness.
I am actually doing okay today. I’m sad but I’m dealing today.
Nert’s potty training is going well. I put him in just underwear and a t-shirt and he asks to sit on the potty when he needs to. We’ve been doing this since Monday and he only had a couple of accidents the first day. He would start going and realize it and then stop and say he had to sit on the potty. Yesterday he had one accident when he was distracted playing. Today he hasn’t had any. I do still put him in diapers to sleep in. He doesn’t wake to go yet so I figured I’d just get him day time trained for now. That will still save us a lot of money.
Sweet Pea is learning more words every day. She is such a happy little girl. Her hair is waving more as the temperature outside goes up. Her hair is finally long enough in the back to have ringlets in it.
The two of them have some battles over toys. If one has a toy then the other wants it. If one is sitting on my lap then the other one wants to be there. And of course they can’t share.
I mentioned to Donn about wanting to name the baby we lost. He doesn’t want to. He thinks that will just make it harder on me. I tried to explain to him the reasons that I wanted to do it and that I feel that it would make me feel better. He doesn’t want to use the names we had picked out. I agree but not for the same reason as him. He wants to keep them to use later for another baby. (I think he really wants to try again.) I’m not even sure I’d want to use them again. I want a gender neutral name since we don’t know what gender our lost baby was.
I’m still unsure of whether I want to try again or not. I was really sure at first that I wanted to try again as soon as possible. Now I go back and forth between wanting to try again and not wanting to.