One Day at a Time

Today I’m wondering if I’m ever going to want to make love to my husband again. I love him very much, but I have no urge to be that close at all. It‘s as if my sex drive died with my unborn baby. I’ve searched message boards and keep seeing that most women wanted that closeness. They said it helped them in some ways to start to heal. What’s wrong with me? Why don’t I crave that closeness? I feel so alone and isolated that you’d think I would want the closeness. I know Donn is looking forward to it when I’m ready. I’m just afraid that I’m not going to be ready for a very long time.
One bright thing today, it seems as if the bleeding is slowing down. Hopefully it will be done soon. Maybe I can move forward in the healing process once this part has passed.
Last night I discovered just how hard Donn has taken this. I thought he was doing well. He seemed to be handling it so much better than myself. He has been so strong for me. I showed him a poem I had put on my MySpace page about a father’s grief. He had tears in his eyes. I could tell it was very hard for him to keep them back. I’ve never seen him cry before except for happy tears when our children were born. I feel so bad for him. He never got to know our lost baby like I did. It grew inside of me and he was just waiting to be able to see it on the ultrasound and to feel it kicking inside of me. I was able to see it with a heartbeat. He only saw it after it was gone. How do I comfort him?
He said he’s okay most of the time because he just doesn’t let himself think about it. I wish I was able to do that. But then again, I don’t want to forget.
Another thing I found that I can’t stand is calling the lost baby ‘it’. But what else can we say? It was lost too early to know what it was. Which I suppose, in some ways, is better than losing it later on. I hate when other people tell me this, but I can say it myself.
I feel bad when I start to be happy. I feel as if I’m forgetting, even though I know I never will. I feel guilty for smiling and being happy. But I must go on for my other two children. They deserve to have a smiling mom. They deserve to have their mom back to really playing with them and not this shell of a mom that I have been lately. So today I will put more effort into interacting more meaningfully with them. Today we will have fun and play like we did before this all happened.
I will try to just deal with one day at a time. Hopefully, slowly the healing will begin.