Mother's Day Weekend wasn't so bad

It was so nice to have Kelly and her family here. We got a sitter for the kids and the four adults went out. I drank and drank, played pool, and drank some more. I drank more than I probably should have, but I smiled and laughed. I haven’t done that for a week and a half. I was able to talk about the miscarriage without crying. Kelly didn’t make me feel as if she didn’t want to hear about it. She is such a good friend. The only bad part of the night was when a woman came in and yelled across the room to a group of her friends, “We had our baby!” Then the emotions hit. I didn’t cry. I was angry, angry that she would be in a bar instead of at home with her infant! Those feelings passed and I was still able to enjoy my time out.
The next day we talked about old times in high school. We looked at our old year books. We went out to eat for Mother’s Day. A day I had been dreading because I thought it would be so hard to get through even with having two perfectly healthy children. We even had ice cream cake. It was a good weekend.
I dreamed about the miscarriage for the first time. I didn’t wake up in tears. I thought maybe I was beginning to work through things.
Donn so badly wanted to be close to me; to hold me and make love to me like before all of this happened. I wasn’t sure I was ready. The bleeding had stopped with just occasional spotting here and there, but nothing much. I figured he needed the closeness to start to heal more himself so I figured we give it a try. My body responded the way it always has, but emotionally I was a wreck. I just kept thinking about the last time we had made love, the day before the spotting started. I cried, but I didn’t let him see. I think he knew though. He asked if I was alright. I said I was. I don’t want him hurting. I’m not sure when I’ll really want to do that again though.
Today a neighbor stopped by to drop of some boxes of clothes for Donn to go through. This neighbor didn’t know we had even been pregnant again. I mentioned wanting to have a yard sale over Memorial Day weekend to clean out some stuff in the attic. I mentioned I had some baby stuff to get rid off in case he knew anyone who’d need it, because I had thinned out some of the stuff I was keeping. He said to me, “well you already have a boy and a girl there’s no sense in having anymore.” I wanted to tell him right then that we had been expecting another, but I didn’t. But really, it’s no one’s business but ours how many children we have!
I have been reading a miscarriage web site (http://www.pregnancyloss.info/how_to_cope.htm) while the kids slept. It has a lot of information on it about healing and coping. It talked about naming your baby. I think I would really like to do that because I hate saying “it” all the time. “It” was a very much wanted baby who should have a name. I plan on talking to Donn about this tonight.
What has really helped me a lot it my blog. I know not many people will read it and most wouldn’t care to or want to. I just need to have some place to go to talk about what I’m going through. It is so hard to keep everything inside. I know that some friends don’t want to talk about it and some I worry that they’ll try to be sensitive and say something that will be hurtful. There are some things I can write in here that I know I don’t really mean, but my friends may be hurt by what I say. I know that I have gotten snippy in my thinking. I think mean things a lot of the time now. I also know I don’t really mean it. I don’t want to say something to my friends that I’ll have to take back later. I know my friends are just trying to be sensitive even if it doesn’t come across that way.
Something else that has helped is talking to a woman on http://www.misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com/. I first posted on there after I found out my baby was measuring three weeks behind what it should be. She had a miscarriage too and we have been posting back and forth to each other. It helps to be able to talk with someone who is feeling the same things that I am.
Today I have felt guilty that I am so sad over losing this one baby while so many other women have lost more than one. But then I realize that no matter how many you lose the grief is still the same. Your child is gone, ripped from you before you even had a chance to get to know him or her. I find I think about what this little lost angel would have looked like. Would this one have looked like my other two with the blond hair and blue eyes of their daddy? Or would this one have my hair color and my eyes? I’ll never know. I have three pictures of this child in my head, the baby measuring three weeks behind with a tiny little flickering heartbeat on the screen, the baby measuring 5 weeks 3 days with no signs of life on the screen, and the large clots that came from within me sitting in the bottom of the toilet bowl. How can I get past the gut wrenching images in my head? That is what I’m battling with today; two weeks after the miscarriage began.
I’ve read that it can take most women up to three months to deal with the grief of a miscarriage. I guess that’s why most doctors want you to wait at least three months to try to conceive again.
I haven’t cried today. I’ve done some laundry and I’m going to clean my kitchen as soon as I post to my blog. I may even make it to my mother-in-laws house tonight with my husband, but I’m not sure on that one.