It affected me more than I thought

Tomorrow I would have been sixteen weeks along, almost half way through. I am still so bitter and angry and sad. I’m just a mixed up mess of emotions. I really thought I was beginning to be mostly alright. I’m finding though that I hate seeing pregnant women. Last weekend my husband and I had a date (the kids were at my mom’s house for the weekend). While we were eating, a very pregnant woman came in complaining that the baby just needed to come out now. I didn’t want to hear that because I’d love to be pregnant. I wouldn’t care if I was hot and miserable as long as I was pregnant. I wanted to walk over and tell her to enjoy her pregnancy and not to wish the baby out. I wanted to say to her that just because she is pregnant now it doesn’t mean she’ll be bringing home a baby. Pregnant does not equal baby. I will never think that again. I didn’t say anything, but my wonderful husband sensed the change in me and asked what was wrong. I said, “Nothing.” I didn’t want to ruin his night, but he knew. He asked, “The baby?” I still said I was fine. He quickly paid the bill and got us out of there. I love him so much.
I can’t stand seeing the belly grow on the mother of the little boy I watch. She’s due a month before I would have been. I’m supposed to start watching her new baby boy in January. I’m not sure how I’ll handle that. I’m hoping that we’ll be able to sell our 12 acres of land and move too far from her for me to babysit for her by then. I really don’t see that happening, but I can still wish for it.
I am now babysitting a twelve week old baby boy. It’s been difficult, but I’m getting through. My arms ache to hold my own little baby.
Another added concern now, I think I might have upset my pregnant friend. Short background: she was trying for over a year (I didn’t know) to have a baby. One of her friends knew and was also trying and having problems. This friend of hers had a miscarriage two years ago. Well I guess basically what happened was this friend of hers asked how she was doing and she was having a bad day and was telling her she was feeling sick and other such pregnancy stuff. This friend of hers told her not to whine to her about it. (Hopefully, you understood that.) I think that was really rude since she did ask and she also knows what they went through to get pregnant. My friend was talking to me about it and said, “it’s been two years shouldn’t she be over it? I would be.” I told her that she couldn’t know how she’d be. I’ve talked to women online that are still grieving years later. I don’t think that I’ll ever forget my baby.) She said right after that she’d let us get going (we were on our way to pick up my kids from their grandma’s house). I’m wondering now if I didn’t upset her and make her think I was taking her friend’s side. I’m taking no one’s side. I can just understand both sides now. I guess I’ll have to call her and make sure she’s not upset. She does have the raging pregnant hormones going on now.
I’d tell her how I’m still feeling; if I thought it would help. I don’t think it will. I’ve come to discover that unless you’ve had a miscarriage you really can’t understand. I also don’t want to worry her about her pregnancy. She’s already had one bad dream about it.
Today I am feeling really sad and depressed. I really want to try again in August. I am terrified of another miscarriage though. Yes, my doctor said he believed we’d be fine with another pregnancy. I have no risk factors. However, the thought and worry will still be in my head now. I don’t know how I’d get past that and be able to be happy.
Maybe I won’t even have to worry about that though. My cycles now seem to still be messed up. I am spotting during the middle of my cycle, right before I ovulate now. I never had that before. Maybe I’m completely messed up now and can’t even get pregnant again. This is just a side worry I wonder about now and then. I really am not planning on being pregnant again. I thought that I would really be yearning to try again every month when I started ovulating, but I don’t have an urge at all to try. I guess this miscarriage affected me more than I thought.