Miscarriage changes your view

I had to take some time off and focus on the rest of my life. I concentrated on getting my house in order (didn’t stay that way for long). And I played with my kids. Things were going along fairly well. I still got sad occasionally (and still do). I thought about trying again when August came (the first month we were allowed to start TTC again). I wasn’t sure though. We got carried away (I guess you could say) one night. I didn’t even think I had ovulated that month and nothing was timed to be prefect like we’d always done. I didn’t think anything would come of that night. I realized I was late. I waited a few more days and still nothing. I tested. BFP. I wasn’t excited. I’m still not. I just can’t seem to get excited. I guess I’m afraid to. I’ve taken a few tests and the test line is way darker than the control line (it wasn’t before). I’m exhausted and nauseous. I wasn’t last time. So maybe that’s a good sign. I haven’t even called my doctor’s office yet. They require a blood test before they make your first appointment. They don’t see you until nine weeks. I guess I’ll call in two weeks when I’m eight weeks along, if I get that far.
This is going to be our last child. I really wanted to remember my last pregnancy fondly. I want to be happy and excited. I want to be able to connect to this little one. I don’t even really think of myself as being pregnant. Miscarriage really messes with the way you think about pregnancy. Being pregnant no longer means I’ll be bringing a bay home anymore.
I’ve spoken to others on http://thespeakeasyboards.com. I guess it’s normal to feel this way. Others have felt this way and have later been able to enjoy their pregnancy and look forward to their baby. I think maybe I’ll feel better after I see the baby on the ultrasound and see that everything is going fine. I’m just too afraid to get excited.
We’re not telling anyone. I don’t even feel the urge to tell anyone. My wonderful husband wants to tell. He’s excited. I wish I could feel that way. Eventually, I will. I’m hoping. I really do want this baby, I’m just to scared to get attached I guess.